Beth's Story

I guess I never really looked. I mean I looked, but had no idea how beautiful it all is.

I barely walk in, my limbs ache, my heart asleep.
My first circle with strangers. How will this work? Where ever I sit somebody will see, I mustn’t look up. What ever I do don’t look up. This is how I walked my path, head up, shoulders back, tummy in, eyes shut.
So I sat and glided through my tunnel of fear and pain, of child and woman, both of them delighted with me for ‘turning up.’ Your here Beth, your here Beth, you’re here, one little cry they won’t hurt you, join them. But their tears felt heavier than mine, deeper, more valid. My chest stretches to hold them up, I think of holding their hand, of stroking their back, but i am reminded “do not interfere’ let them fall.
I cry for them with deep deep empathy, whether they wanted me to or not.

Most exhaled with slow and gentle sounds of release in its purist form. Some inhaled with a smile so large I could feel its creases and taste the ecstasy.
I started to envision these women walking through red deserts just to be here. Just to sit in this circle, just to hear the sounds of others breathing like them, to feel that today, these tears will be caught, picked up and held by a spirit that I feel and know is all around me.

With the sweetest sounds of song and bells I had ever heard, I opened my eyes.
I looked up, then quickly down again when I’m met with another. “Find someone to look at Beth”, I said punishing myself. Come on, others are looking at each other find a face, an eye, a soul, let them see…
I couldn’t, not yet but hoped with all my might I would.
And just like that, yet with the greatest preparation, I was swept into rites of passage of strength like I had NEVER seen or felt on this earth. Courage poured across the floor along with every known pulse, heart beat, pain, smile, cry, scream, lust, and roar. Insides begging to die to the agony. Devoted women devoted to themselves and to this space. I saw freedom in their eyes, I felt the universe transcend back to their womb and whisper no matter what …you are worthy.
I called for my blood sister and felt her in the room at once. Its ok her spirit guided me, she had already been here and was waiting for me.
I walked through the tunnel with my feet in the air and my soul desperate, absorbing the strength of my sacred sisters, asking NO begging to look at me if couldn’t.
But I could, and I did. I tasted the ground with my feet, drinking the earth I was worthy of standing on. I looked up, and never had I witnessed such firm eyes boring into my own, It was like I watched their spirit leap across the room and dance through my heart, now awake and beating. The ache so dull, did it ever exist?
I trust that I have never felt so grateful in all my life.
I bow to my Shematrix, I bow to my sacred sisters, I bow to myself.